As midnight marched through the worlds time zones, it was the start of a new year, ushering out the old and toasting the new. The same high spirited celebrations were going on at Kush's place too. We all greeted the new year with hugs and wishes. The first of which I received from Anisha. I still don't understand what it was. The hug just went on for ages. It might be just my belief or did we just hug for an usually long period. Whatever the moment was, it was interrupted by series of phone calls on both the sides from friends and relatives. When I was done with all my phone calls, I turned towards Anisha and I found her still busy with different calls she is getting. But the most shocking and unusual thing about all this is that we are holding hands when all this is going on. To be very clear, it is very difficult to dial numbers and find contacts from your phone book with one hand but I never noticed any such difficulties. I was still lost in the new year hug. After all our phone calls we went back to our usual conversation and some drinking game. We started this game in Kush's room as his parents were going to sleep by then. After a while we all thought to take a nap, by this time we all were totally drunk. I don't exactly remember when we decided to sleep but we did. We all just slept near his bed. Anisha was sleeping next to me and Kush and others followed after that on the lower side of the bed. It took me no time to sleep as alcohol was really helping the cause. The next i remember is that I was in my dreams. This is one of my rare dreams which I still remember and there are obvious reasons behind it. I felt a foggy picture of a women dressed in black lying next to me. We were sleeping quite close to each other. I was quick to identify that it was Anisha. After a while I was sleeping with my hands over her and we felt comfortable as it helped us to beat the cold. All those instances come to my mind as small fragments. It was really a weird dream as I it was never continuous. The complete scenario was broken down in to small fragments. The next and the last scene I remember was when we kissed. The moment was priceless and care free. I never thought once as to what I was doing and how could I do it. It was my dream and I am not answerable to anyone. Then the next fragment I hear noise from round Anisha and saw Anisha wake up, I open my eyes to find out that others have woken up and Kush was ready to drop Anisha and her friend back home. Kush had to drop them back as I still had a bad hangover from last night. I thought of going back to my place and started walking downstairs with them. Suddenly Anisha turned back and went back to the room. That was when I saw her face for the first time that morning. Her face suggested that she wanted me to follow her to the room as if she wanted to tell something to me. But I was too sleepy to respond to any such facial expressions. We waited for her downstairs for sometime and then left for our respective places once she was back. I was alone while driving back home, suddenly I saw a message on my phone. I was literally taken aback by the message. It stated that Anisha does n't want to talk to me from now on and not to contact her ever. I really could n't understand what was going on. Everything was going so well and suddenly such a message was hard to digest. I made my way back home as fast as I could and called her up. She refused to take my call at first but then made herself available at my request. Then she explained things to me that I could never have accepted if it was told by someone else. She made me realize that all the things I presumed to be a dream was no where near a dream and it actually took place last night. I felt disgusted and ashamed at the same time. I was literally speechless but gathered strength to convince her that I never did any of that in purpose. I convinced her to meet me in sometime so that I get an opportunity to prove my innocence.  I quickly took bath and made some lame excuses to my mother and left to see Anisha..............

I still even today think of what happened that night. The incident that changed both our lives for ever. In some ways it was good as it was a true test of our bonds and relations that we share with people around us. It was the time for them to stand by us. The incident helped us identify our true loved ones.

I always used to ridicule Bollywood movie scenes when we see such affairs on screen and we used to call the those actors by names which I am not supposed to take up here. But that incident made us both think and find out why it had happened. I had to come up with some justification to convince myself first before I could convince Anisha with this. Even Anisha had no clue as to how things went wrong in her simple and straight forward life. I understood a peculiar thing about our subconscious mind, which in my case was the culprit behind this situation. Our subconscious can't process negatives. It interprets everything we think as a positive thought. So if we think, 'I don't want to be poor,' our unconscious mind focuses on the "poor" and, because it doesn't do negatives, the thought becomes 'I want to be poor.' Being poor then becomes the goal in your subconscious mind and like a young child, desperate to please, it helps you behave in a way that will keep you poor. Obviously not what you wanted. The same thing happened in our case. Me on one side was always fond of Anisha. She was the type of person I always wanted to end up with but on knowing her relationship status I always told myself that I cannot love her and it is not morally right. I think my dumb brain on the other side processed it as " I can love her as it is morally right". Many would find this as a stupid reasoning to justify my doings but I have no intention of doing so. I know what happened was wrong but it was unintentional. But in Anisha's case a different situation plays an important role. There were various incidents in the few months before the new year that were pretty disturbing for Anisha. She was already struggling to keep up to the disappointments she was facing professionally and the one person she wanted there to be with her then was constantly indulging in fights with her. The only support she found was in her friend, that's me. All the incidents in which I ended up supporting her were collected and stored in her subconscious mind. Her Subconscious mind already had a picture of a person who should be her soul mate. That picture had a face in the form of her boy friend but most of the qualities of that picture were fulfilled by me and she expected the same in her boyfriend. This mix up of characters in your mind disturbs you like anything. This makes it difficult for us to understand and realize what exactly do we feel for that person. Was it affection or love? There is a lot of difference between the two which many fail to understand and result in misunderstanding their true loved ones. A person can get attracted towards two people at the same time. Or, subconsciously a person might think that if the person he or she is with right now is not there in the future, the other person can fill the gap. Here, the fear psychosis plays a major role. So in this case whose created the fear psychosis. There should be someone to be blamed in this case. Anisha cannot be blamed completely for the incident. Me along with her boyfriend has equal role to play in the incidents that lead to this situation. Her boyfriend never gave the trust or the feeling of security she was always asking for. She was not he type of person interested in casual relationship. She wanted her first love to be the last and everlasting one. But who knows her boyfriend had other plans or did he have any plans at all?? He himself used to emphasis on the fact that he had no clue of the future. This was the beginning of the fear psychosis that took up most of  her subconscious mind and she saw another person who was willing to fill in that spot. How can a girl be blamed for that, no girl can do that. Somewhere or the other every girl believes  the fact that I just explained. Security & time are the most important thing in a females life. That stands true for all social animals around us. 

This is tough on the part of an individual, how often do we find true love in the first place? And how frustrating is it when we find it but it comes at such an inopportune time, such as when we are in another relationship? Of course it's ideal if we can leave the current relationship for a shot at a new one, but it's not always that easy. Sometimes you can't leave, or other times we don't want to leave, in which case we try to balance both relationships. But can we really do this and keep everyone happy?

Another function of the unconscious mind is to present repressed memories for examination in order to release trapped emotions. So when our mind is filled with all this junk and thousands of unanswered questions, shit happens. But things get out of hand when the factor of morality plays its role.The subconscious mind will keep us on the straight and narrow path of whatever morality it has learned by enforcing its morality on us, even if society judges that morality wrong. A terrorist will kill and destroy without qualms because his moral code teaches him that he is a freedom fighter.But that does n't justify his actions. So if  your subconscious decides that you deserve to be punished then you will be wracked with guilt and exhibit behaviors designed to punish yourself, even though there are no laws to say that what your subconscious mind sees as bad is actually so. 

We all make personal, financial and business decisions, confident that we have properly weighed all the important factors and acted accordingly - and that we know how we came to those decisions. But since we know only our conscious influences, we have only partial information. As a result, our view of ourselves and our motivations, and of society, is like a jigsaw puzzle with most of the pieces missing. We fill in blanks and make guesses, but the truth about us is far more complex and subtle than that which can be understood as the straightforward calculation of conscious and rational minds. We perceive, we remember our experiences, we make judgments, we act  and in all of these endeavors we are influenced by factors that we aren't aware of. The truth is that our subconscious minds are active, purposeful, and independent. Hidden they may be, but their effects are anything but, for they play a critical role in shaping the way our conscious minds experience and respond to the world.

These intense researches were done so as to keep myself away from the so called path of guilt and make sure that Anisha does the same. It's always easy for a guy to escape from such incidents as our culture and society has been designed to do so. If such incidents take place, a guy's friends would praise him for being such a stud and the girl's friend would point fingers at her for being a slut. When we talk of equality, both the parties should be treated with the same respect. So I had to prove everyone that what happened was nowhere a slutty incident and want to protect Anisha from the blame game that is going to follow soon. A test of our morals and the friendship we share..........................

Break through Australian trip

In the coming days Kush was very busy with his preparations to go to Australia for training. He was getting an opportunity to train on a multi engine plane in Australia. This gave rise to a complete change in Kush's English accent. He tends to do that quite often, i think he was trying to get a feel of Australia. But frankly I hate this fake accent by people. People try to fake accent once they land on a foreign soil. I never gave a shit about his accent or his new makeover. I met him a day before he left for Australia to wish him for his training. That was when I heard about Anisha next. He said he gave my number to Anisha if she wants to know anything or any help in his absence. I just nodded and changed the topic because I was sure she would never call up to inquire and all. But in this instance I was lucky to be wrong, she did call up. It is really funny about my friends and the friendship we have. We never used to care much about each other. It was so natural for us. For instance, I never remembered any of my friends birthday, the only way I used to come to know was through Facebook updates and I made sure to write it on his wall just as a formality. But I always expected and made sure that we looted the guy in the name of birthday treat. I am not the only jerk in this, all my friends were equally bad at this. But to some extent it changed when I was in college. Birthdays would be like a huge carnival, we have preparations and surprise parties for the birthday boy and we make sure that we get a good gift for him and then in return he treats us. But back in Baroda things have n't changed much, its been  48 Hrs since Kush left and I did n't even thought once whether he reached his destination safely. I just completely forgot about it until i received a call from the unexpected. Yup, it was Anisha. She seemed bit worried and asked me whether I received any call from Kush, that is when I realize that Kush is in Australia  But I acted smart then, I don't wanted her to have a  bad impression about me nor our friendship. i jumped on to say that even I was expecting his call for long and would let her know if I get any call from him. I even asked her to do the same if he does call her. i expected Kush to call her for obvious reasons.

Kush did call us both the next day. And as promised I informed her about the same. Even she told that she was about to call me to inform the same. We then chatted for a while and then got back to our respective work. It was always different talking to her. The only way to explain it is that it brought a smile on my face. I used to feel pleasant and happy after talking to her. The pleasant and happy feelings continued in the coming months as we used to talk a lot on the phones and meet too. We found many similarities in each others character and behavior and most importantly we understood each others problems. We started discussing anything and everything with each other.  We became very good friends with time. But that is when we faced with our first hurdle Kush. By the time Kush came back from his training in Australia, we were like the best of friends. We never realized the fact that importance of one another has increased way beyond what Kush could imagine and has taken a place above Kush in our lives. This never went well with Kush, this was the beginning of distances between Kush and the two of us. Kush could never accept the fact that me and Anisha are more close to each other than he ever was. It further increased on new years eve. Kush hosted a party at his place on new years eve. I was among the invitee list which also included Anisha and her friend Disha. Disha happens to be her childhood friend and they always celebrate new years together. Me along with Kush went that day to pick Anisha from her place. We went in my love machine. I think I have n't introduced anyone to my love machine, that's my first car. The name given to the car would be justified soon as it has witnessed some of the beautiful moments in my life. But for now, I would stick to me picking them up from their home. Roads were jam packed as expected. It took us more than an hour to travel this 10 km ride from Kush's home to Anisha's. The most stunning thing about the day was no doubt Anisha.Even today she remembers the expression that I gave back then. It was something out of this world. While Kush had gone to her house to call her, I was waiting near the car as I received some phone call. It was usual on that day as it was new years eve. As Anisha walked out, her sparkling eyes in the moonlight and her gorgeous hair covering up her face side ways, it was deadly. I never realized that my mouth was wide open. I had always seen this scene in a Bollywood movie but never believed in something like that till then. But believe me, it did happen that day and thankfully the only person who saw that was Anisha. I think those deadly looks was the trigger to what followed in future. Suddenly I had feelings for one of my closest friend. I knew it was not right but I could n't help it. “There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.” And I believe that was my moment. We drove and all of us got to our party venue before 12. We thought of watching a movie at first with some scotch for the guys and vodka for the ladies. As always me and Anisha loved each others company, we were watching movie together. Disha being Anisha's close friend could sense that there was something more to it which we both forcefully denied. I still don't remember the movie, neither does Anisha. I believe know in the party remembers the movie as me and Anisha were bust talking to each other and the others were busy staring at us. All this did n't go that well with Kush as it was his party and it was meant to impress Anisha. He tried now and then to gather her attention and put light to the effort he has made in coming up with this party. He made arrangements for the finest scotch and vodka in a region were alcohol is prohibited. He really meant business with the party and I did screw it up for him big time. Kush stopped the movie in between as it became obvious by now that no one is interested in it anyways. He came up with another strategy, that was to play something interactive so that he can get to know about her more. So we started playing the drinking game. I never realized by this time that I was a bit drunk and Anisha was no less. We were so lost in our talks that we never realized how much we drank. This lead to series of things that happened and we never realized it. At least I did n't realize it....

After college

End of college days bring in mixed feelings in one's mind. Somewhere we are happy that we are engineers now, writing thousands of tests and exams which included the taste of failures and success. But in the end it all comes down to one sheet of paper on which some random guy authorizes the fact that I am an engineer now. Only I know the fact as to how I got through the menace. And if majority of engineers in the country are like me then this country is in deep shit. Whatever may be it, the fact is I survived and in this world its all about survival and adapting to the circumstances and I did fairly well in both.  But problems don't end here, its just a beginning, as I am an engineer now people expect me to get a job now. But how can I tell those people that I never wanted to be an engineer at the first place. I am meant for something different and the fact is that I still don't know what that different thing is. I always believed that I am a very good coordinator, a team leader. I should always pursue something in that area. I started researching stuffs in my area of interest and trying to find a proper job for me before the pressure from the society gets the better off me. 

In the mean time I was back in my home town of Vadodara. I really missed this place and my friends round here. I never had many friends around, a small bunch but a good one. But right now I was jobless and most importantly directionless, this was when I thought of studying further but this time in something I am interested in, some courses that could enhance my leadership qualities. I wrote all the required eligibility tests and exams required for that. Meantime I had a visit to Goa with my friends Kush and Manav. There was nothing that special about the trip except it gave some signs of something that was going to turn my life upside down. A day before we left Goa, I saw Kush sitting in our resort bedroom and talking to one of his colleague over the phone. I never cared much about his friends and his usual chat over the phone with girls. He was always well known for that. Its strange that I am always surrounded by one such guy always in my life, at first it was Gaurav and now its Kush. But Kush was different, he could never go past the phone calls. I never knew why, he used to say that he was least interested and I used to presume that the girls were least interested. In one such case my assumption came true. As I was saying, I just came near the bed and was looking for some stuffs when Kush turned and said that Anisha says that your voice is really husky. I did n't know what to say at that moment as I could n't make out whether she was praising me or criticizing because I had no clue then that girls liked husky voice. No one ever praised that quality in me till then. I just said ok and left the room. After a while I went to Kush and asked him what exactly did she mean when she said husky. That was when I realized it was an appraisal. Then Kush gave me a background about Anisha and told me about how he liked her since the days of flying club and even she is a trainee pilot from the same academy. We saw her pics on Facebook and just left the matter there as I was n't interested in his love affair as she was already in a relationship. The fact was that even I lost interest in discussing about the matter as she was in a relationship. That might be the reason why I never found her pics that attractive at all. Our next meeting was during Kush's birthday, she called two of his female colleagues for lunch and he asked me to join him with them. I was very hesitant about joining them as I did n't know them and I did n't want to sit there as a fool in between their discussions.  But still I went there. I was destined to go there. As it is said

“There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore.”

When I got off my car and started walking towards the restaurant I could see a girl waiting there on her scooty with her face covered with scarf which resembled a terrorist or a Maoist member. But once she removed that scarf, my heart beat slowed down, every minute details of her were getting registered in my mind and as if my brain has slowed down the world so that I can do that with ease. 

What makes a woman beautiful? Is it her good looks, radiant skin, dazzling white teeth, stylish dress or her size 2 perfect figure? These attributes, at first glance, will surely draw most people's attention to a woman. The question is will that first impression prove to be a facade or is there a richer beauty hidden beneath the surface?

I was one of the lucky ones to have had witnessed both the outer and the richer beauty hidden beneath the surface. She was truly a princess. I still don’t know who named her that. Some one in her family had realized this beauty on the very first glance at her. Her characteristics resembled life threatening drug, every time you look in to her eyes you get more and more addicted to them and this drug has no cure and rehabilitation. 

If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about her, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life, as if she were related to one of those intricate machines that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away. It was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have never found in another person and which is unlikely that I shall ever find it again.

This is a young woman in her early twenties, who stands with an air of carefree confidence that is most noticeable in her serene eyes outlined with a dash of kohl. Soft face with rounded cheek bones, proportionally cute nose, high trimmed brows, soft pouty pink lips, and rounded chin is complimented by her easy, charming smile. Wondrous oceans of blue gaze out in playful curiosity as she smiles; though, there is a hint of a wild spark lingering behind those lids. Dark lusty hair, groomed and shining brilliantly, which crops her gentle face; the mane glimmers down towards her shoulders, with perfectly cut tips. The uniform hair spills down between her shoulder blades in bladed formation, the rest of it cropping in circular fashion towards her shoulders where the shortest strands cover her ever sensible neck . This young woman has a soft neck and narrow shoulders that form into equally lithe arms and hands, but her midsection shouldn't go without notice. Overall her general shape is a toned, hourglass figure defining her chest and hips which are of moderate, if not winding 'definition'. Altogether her skin tone is a light & even tan lending her to porcelain glamour. She is a feathery woman, but owns to many womanly curves that are upheld with a firm seductive looks.

 It takes a lot to provoke such interest from me, really. Normally I tend to write about scenery, emotional ploys. In this case she was a rare exception. There are also paintings that have provided me enough reason to write, but when it comes down to it most of my inspiration comes from the inside. There was just something unreal and eerie about her. Her luminous face adds an extra tone to it. The eyes were a piercingly sharp which speaks a thousand words with a blink. Plump, the lips had the strangest curl to them. Overall, she was truly an unearthly beauty.

The birthday party went excellent and I hardly spoke or noticed the birthday boy. But I would always that Kush for compelling me to attend the party. But I really did n't understand what I was doing. I liked a girl in a relationship and also been liked by one of my close friend. I could sense that things were going to get ugly sooner or later..............