After college

End of college days bring in mixed feelings in one's mind. Somewhere we are happy that we are engineers now, writing thousands of tests and exams which included the taste of failures and success. But in the end it all comes down to one sheet of paper on which some random guy authorizes the fact that I am an engineer now. Only I know the fact as to how I got through the menace. And if majority of engineers in the country are like me then this country is in deep shit. Whatever may be it, the fact is I survived and in this world its all about survival and adapting to the circumstances and I did fairly well in both.  But problems don't end here, its just a beginning, as I am an engineer now people expect me to get a job now. But how can I tell those people that I never wanted to be an engineer at the first place. I am meant for something different and the fact is that I still don't know what that different thing is. I always believed that I am a very good coordinator, a team leader. I should always pursue something in that area. I started researching stuffs in my area of interest and trying to find a proper job for me before the pressure from the society gets the better off me. 

In the mean time I was back in my home town of Vadodara. I really missed this place and my friends round here. I never had many friends around, a small bunch but a good one. But right now I was jobless and most importantly directionless, this was when I thought of studying further but this time in something I am interested in, some courses that could enhance my leadership qualities. I wrote all the required eligibility tests and exams required for that. Meantime I had a visit to Goa with my friends Kush and Manav. There was nothing that special about the trip except it gave some signs of something that was going to turn my life upside down. A day before we left Goa, I saw Kush sitting in our resort bedroom and talking to one of his colleague over the phone. I never cared much about his friends and his usual chat over the phone with girls. He was always well known for that. Its strange that I am always surrounded by one such guy always in my life, at first it was Gaurav and now its Kush. But Kush was different, he could never go past the phone calls. I never knew why, he used to say that he was least interested and I used to presume that the girls were least interested. In one such case my assumption came true. As I was saying, I just came near the bed and was looking for some stuffs when Kush turned and said that Anisha says that your voice is really husky. I did n't know what to say at that moment as I could n't make out whether she was praising me or criticizing because I had no clue then that girls liked husky voice. No one ever praised that quality in me till then. I just said ok and left the room. After a while I went to Kush and asked him what exactly did she mean when she said husky. That was when I realized it was an appraisal. Then Kush gave me a background about Anisha and told me about how he liked her since the days of flying club and even she is a trainee pilot from the same academy. We saw her pics on Facebook and just left the matter there as I was n't interested in his love affair as she was already in a relationship. The fact was that even I lost interest in discussing about the matter as she was in a relationship. That might be the reason why I never found her pics that attractive at all. Our next meeting was during Kush's birthday, she called two of his female colleagues for lunch and he asked me to join him with them. I was very hesitant about joining them as I did n't know them and I did n't want to sit there as a fool in between their discussions.  But still I went there. I was destined to go there. As it is said

“There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore.”

When I got off my car and started walking towards the restaurant I could see a girl waiting there on her scooty with her face covered with scarf which resembled a terrorist or a Maoist member. But once she removed that scarf, my heart beat slowed down, every minute details of her were getting registered in my mind and as if my brain has slowed down the world so that I can do that with ease. 

What makes a woman beautiful? Is it her good looks, radiant skin, dazzling white teeth, stylish dress or her size 2 perfect figure? These attributes, at first glance, will surely draw most people's attention to a woman. The question is will that first impression prove to be a facade or is there a richer beauty hidden beneath the surface?

I was one of the lucky ones to have had witnessed both the outer and the richer beauty hidden beneath the surface. She was truly a princess. I still don’t know who named her that. Some one in her family had realized this beauty on the very first glance at her. Her characteristics resembled life threatening drug, every time you look in to her eyes you get more and more addicted to them and this drug has no cure and rehabilitation. 

If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about her, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life, as if she were related to one of those intricate machines that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away. It was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have never found in another person and which is unlikely that I shall ever find it again.

This is a young woman in her early twenties, who stands with an air of carefree confidence that is most noticeable in her serene eyes outlined with a dash of kohl. Soft face with rounded cheek bones, proportionally cute nose, high trimmed brows, soft pouty pink lips, and rounded chin is complimented by her easy, charming smile. Wondrous oceans of blue gaze out in playful curiosity as she smiles; though, there is a hint of a wild spark lingering behind those lids. Dark lusty hair, groomed and shining brilliantly, which crops her gentle face; the mane glimmers down towards her shoulders, with perfectly cut tips. The uniform hair spills down between her shoulder blades in bladed formation, the rest of it cropping in circular fashion towards her shoulders where the shortest strands cover her ever sensible neck . This young woman has a soft neck and narrow shoulders that form into equally lithe arms and hands, but her midsection shouldn't go without notice. Overall her general shape is a toned, hourglass figure defining her chest and hips which are of moderate, if not winding 'definition'. Altogether her skin tone is a light & even tan lending her to porcelain glamour. She is a feathery woman, but owns to many womanly curves that are upheld with a firm seductive looks.

 It takes a lot to provoke such interest from me, really. Normally I tend to write about scenery, emotional ploys. In this case she was a rare exception. There are also paintings that have provided me enough reason to write, but when it comes down to it most of my inspiration comes from the inside. There was just something unreal and eerie about her. Her luminous face adds an extra tone to it. The eyes were a piercingly sharp which speaks a thousand words with a blink. Plump, the lips had the strangest curl to them. Overall, she was truly an unearthly beauty.

The birthday party went excellent and I hardly spoke or noticed the birthday boy. But I would always that Kush for compelling me to attend the party. But I really did n't understand what I was doing. I liked a girl in a relationship and also been liked by one of my close friend. I could sense that things were going to get ugly sooner or later..............

Fun

     Our iv was great. I drank and slept, then again woke up and drank till i slept. Things went on like that. This might lead me to the rehab or to a medic but you need to learn to live life on the edge or else you are taking too much of space. This way of life gave me an awsome feeling, drugged like hell. We did visit some beautiful places during the course of the trip but dont remember any of them. We took a week long leave before attending college again. This was the time i got introduced to a gal named radhika through net. Here we go again, i know what you people would be thinking. Yes, you are right! Its not my fault that i fell for her, she tripped me. I saw her pic and the first thing my heart said 'enough of the mourning, lets get back to business'.
    I was a regular guy in orkut, it was the only means by which i used to keep in touch with my friends back home. One day i saw a friends request from this gal called radhika. I went through her profile details and it suggest that she hails from my home town and she is a an year younger to me. I was sure that i did nt know her. But still i accepted her request as she was good looking. Its not everyday that a guy like me gets an invitation from a gal like her. She might have go the wrong guy. Anyways good for me. I accepted the request and went on with my work hoping that i would get her online some day. I wanted to polish my art of flirtation. It is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance. Its the art of giing attention without intention. As far as i know all women love flirts, but some are restrained by shyness and some by senses. The next day i went online every one hour as to make sure that i dont miss her. I did nt know her timings. It was around four in the evening that i got it right. She was online. It excited me!
Hai!! I said
I waited for her reply. She send a 'HELLO' with a smiley!
She just reminds me of my next girlfriend. What should i call this, its not even love at first sight. I have nt even seen her. Its just infatuation as alway. We chatted for long, mostly intoduction. She was looking for some friend of hers but ended up sending request to me.
'Call 911' !! I said
She in a tensed manner asked ' What, Why???'
I told I wanted to report that I have just been hit by your love.
She laughed out loud. 'Are you flirting with me' she asked
'Yes, if its working' I told
' I dont think so ' she replied.
I changed gears, told her it was just a joke. Earlier i mentioned about the two catogeries of women. She comes in the sensible one. In the days to come we exchanged cell numbers and had plans to meet each other the next time I go home. That would be the semester leaves.

Addiction

Exam went quite well. Compared to the previous ones this one was great.This time back home i had my thinking cap on, shreya with another guy and neha still stuck with the same guy. I needed to move on. I needed to start the hunt again. In the past few weeks I learned new habits. My liking towards alcohol has increased to a new level. I liked the druged semi concious effect. I was doing all the possible things which I should not be doing and there is no one to stop me. I started smoking, have nt quite got hold of it but still manage it ok. It was nt that I was in a bad company, no one forced me to do anything. All this is my own wish. The feeling of loosing everything was filling my heart and making me realize that I am a looser. Now a days I even fight with Anjana. All our conversations ended up in a fight. We would fight and I would bast her with all the pathetic words and she keeps listening. Hats off to her. She never took our fights seriously but she never forget it either. She brings the topic back at the right time. I even formed distance with Adi. I used to tell him everything and get suggestion from him but now i feel that i even cheated him. So thought of keeping distance from him. I had gone silent and away from the group. We talked less. Everything was coming down right in front of me and no one to blame other than me. I was screwing myself up.

In the midst of all this our industrial visit was announced. It was a trip to kodaikanal and pondichery. Majority of the class was there. First I said no but later agreed as my room mates forced. Even i thought it would be a good change and a refreshment from my devdas behaviour. On the other hand I thought I was going to pondichery were I would get my hand on the alcohols at a cheaper rate. Whatever it may be , I was going.

From now onwards you would see the new chapter in my life!!!!

My Dark life

My life turned dull in the absence of shreya. I used to be on phone the whole night but now I dont have any use of phone. This was the time when I learned the importance of friends. They stood by me even though they knew that I was wrong. During these days, they were of great help to me. That is why its said ' A faithful friend is the medicine for life'. My college life had turned boring, had nothing else to do other than spend time in the class and pray that I dont come across shreya. It was the time when i turned my concentration back on studies. Had a lot to cover up as I had flunked in almost all the subjects that I wrote. That was because I was too much involved in shreya and everything around her. Its her absence that made me realize her importance. Love is a temporary madness. It errupts like a volcano and then subsides. Its when it subsides that you have to make the decision. I can say thats when i made my decision or can say the blunder that I made.

Have you ever thought why people close their eyes when they kiss. Even i did so, but never thought the reason behind it till today. It might be because some of the greater things in life are unseen. That is why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry or dream. All that had happened in the last few months were like a roller coaster ride. Just as what socrates said 'Hottest love has the coldest end'. I self destructed my love to get hurt in the long run.

The hardest thing is to see your love, love someone else. That is what I had to see. Shreya with someone else. In one way it was good as she got some support in those difficult times. Finally the guilt in me of leaving shreya alone was susiding. I had done nothing for that, It was the new support she got in life and a good one. He is a good guy as far as I know.

This last one year of my college life began with a smile. grew with a kiss and ended with a tear drop...................

Betrayal

Its been a month since I am home for vacations. The flash news for you guys is that I have nt yet called shreya or picked her call. She has been calling me all day long but i have been keeping the phone ringing. Dont ask me why but i want to get out of this relationship. Was it a one night stand for me? Was I using her? By the look of things that have passed. It sure looks that way. All these questions ran through my mind the whole day. What the hell would she think about me? I was using her fo that one night. Am I that kind of a person Or is it NEHA? Is she still tormenting my mind? I should have given a fucking thought about it before I made out with shreya. Right now I am trying to escape and giving stupid justification which is even hard for me to believe, then how the hell can i expect shreya to fall for it.

Should I talk to her again or Is it too late for that? Till now she might have got a clear picture about me. If u ask her to explain about me in a word then "SCOUNDREL" would be the least she would use. I send her a message the next day. Dont wana disclose what I send but that was the last I had heard from her. Shreya's chapter closed. Easy said and done or Is it???

With all those questions in mind, I returned to college for my next semester. She was not the only one who had some asking to do. Two of my closest friends knew about this relationship. One wa Aditya my room mate and the other was Anjana, my best friend. Have nt yet told you people about her. She is the one with whom I share all the happenings in my college and home. She is all in one, my friend , my P.A and everything. Dont have words to explain about her. Can say she knows more about me and my family than I know. Shocking??? Even I was!!! She along with Aditya had an important role to play in my relationship with shreya. She was the mediator for me. So obviously she had loads of questions to ask and I did owe her an explanation. I did talk to her about it but it wa least satisfactory. I expected that! But there was nothing she could do to change my mind, she knew that so she never tried. Even Aditya was pized with my attitude. They came to a conclusion that I dont value relationship and love. Some where in the back of mind I knew that i was gona pay for what i did. Somewhere in this four years I did. Anjana always called me a KID. I just proved her right with my kiddish attitude.

In the times to come, the most difficult part for me in college was to come face to face with shreya. It was so very difficult for me to look in to her face. It just made me pathetic. She would boldly look in to my face which would make me realize that I was a big time looser. By the time it was a talking point in college that I broke up with shreya. These people need something to talk over an evening coffee.What better to talk about than there friends break up. They would make up there own stories as to what would be the reason behind it. Can say yet another chapter in my o called fucked up life.........

A Taste of Intimacy

Exams over. It was time to go home and guess what i was nt alone this time. Shreya was coming with me. We both happen to be from the same place. We thought of going by the train at night. Both of us reached seperately and met at the station. We reached few hours early as our train was at night. Both of us entered the station and wandered here and there, until we found a place to sit alone. Its dificult to find such a place in the railway station. We sat there hand in hand and talked for a while. Then we thought of going some place else. We kept our luggage in the cloak room and left. We found a good place nearby. It was a garden, other than the old ladies coming for there evening walk, there were few couples present. The weather had taken a swift turn and was setting the mood of intimacy.

We walked through the fragnant muddy tracks crossing the gardens to the woods. We walked through the woods , talking about what that i also dont remember. We were trying to find a perfect place to sit. Finally we found a small hillock nearby. There were trees all around so we were virtually invisible from the outside world. The aroma of the surroundings seduced my heart and the sudden advent of clouds in the sky added colour to my emotions. Besides all that it was shreyas eyes that were drawing me towards her. Both of us climbed the hillock and sat there. I could feel it was the moment, the first moment of intimacy, might be the moment of my first kiss, it all depends on how shreya responded. Did nt want to hurry as that first kiss can turn in to my first slap. I was a bit sweaty and the situation was making it worse. I wanted to use my deo but it was in my bag and a mint would have been good as i was very much positive about a kiss. Hoping the fragnance of the surrounding will dissolve my body odour away, i was preparing myself for what was going to happen. Exited, nervous and little cautious, i tried to be as gentle as possible. I closed the gap between us and put my arms around her. She was behaving very shyly, he personality had changed suddenly. She transformed in to a shy young girl. She showed no resistance at all, she was ready for whatever i did. As if there was no one else on this planet other than two of us. I approached her and she closed her eyes. I held her palms and pulled her towards me.........................

With Friends

Exams started. The chilling climate at this time hardened our asses and made it difficult for us to sit and study. As usual we all were up to the last day study and there was hell lot to study. I started studying energetically but later drowsiness took charge of my body and eyes automatically got shut down. I had a very good nap and i woke up around twelve at nite. I was very much freeked out. There was very less time and so much to study. I spent most of the time this semester talking to shreya on phone till midnight and chatting with friends. I had no other option other than going for Plan B. Stop this hard work and go for smart work. In other words "Bit". Nikhil was the best person to consult in this matter. I spent the whole night preparing bits.

Finally the day of exam arrivd, undoubtedly the most atrocious day in anybodys college life. It was a complete havoc in the room. Gaurav was shouting with tooth paste in his mouth. Even nikhil was shouting from outside the bathroom door. Aakash entered the bathroom with the text book an hour back. I knew very well that he wont come out until he is done with his revision. So it was best for me to skip the morning routine. I hope this sacrifice would show up in my exam results. The exams were ok, I applied all the risk taking actions and used up all the resources i had. Nikhil is very good in this. He knows very well to which question would come and which would not. We saw Aakash after the exam, his face was swollen as if bit by a honey bee. Thats when we came to know about his morning fiasco. He slept for almot an hour in the loo and the mosquitos ate up his face and butt. We laughed a lot on this. People around us thought we were laughing at them. So we turned silent and moved out before they turn our faces swollen. The exams went on one by one. None of them were great, courtesy to the late night phone calls and sleep attack during the morning. Aakash was given special attention when he was in loo.

The whole examination was like a roller coaster ride for us,providing bumps and jerks all through the way and finally in to the water. Thats when the marks are announced. But i do like this time of the year when we have exams. Thats the time we spend the maximum time with our friends. Examination hall is the place where you see the perfect unity. Passing of bits, showing answer sheets and what not. We try our maximum to get through the papers and we also make sure that the one sitting next to us also does the same. Thats one thing you would never see anywhere else.................